What Do I Want?
Nu is all for people advocating for their pleasure and asking partner(s) for what they want- what if you’re unsure though? What if you don’t really know what you want to ask for?
Here are some ideas to help you (re)connect with your desires!
First, let’s start out with non-erotic pleasures. You have a relationship to pleasure, I promise, it’s just about awareness and reconnecting to it. Pleasure is simply enjoyment. Observing your relationship to pleasure (aka enjoyment) also allows you to bring mindfulness into the ordinary which is a helpful and transferable skill. Here are some things to consider: why did you choose that temperature in the shower? When you choose a particular drink, why is that? When you picked out your clothes, why that outfit? Distill your “why’s” and note the pleasure in the experiences.
Now let’s talk of solo-play, also known as masterbation or solo-sex. If you already have an established practice that’s enjoyable, ask yourself: are there things I’d like to recreate/reenact with my partner(s)? Note what comes to mind and if you don’t have a solo-practice, here’s an invitation to start one. Get to know your body and anatomy. Try pulling out a mirror and exploring what types of touch and sensations feel good, even explore outside of your genitals! Expert tip: using a body-safe lube while exploring can enhance your experience too!
Utilizing elements of Dr. Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are, think back to enjoyable sexual experiences. Write down in detail what each experience was made of and get really clear on the nuances. Further suss out the settings, life circumstances and relationship dynamics. See what information is present to use as a part of your guide.
If further exploration with external sources sounds interesting, audio erotica, reading erotica, yes/no/maybe lists, and/or ethical porn could be great sources of inspiration. Become your own detective, notice what excites and arouses you - tap into your erotic energy! Now ask yourself, are these things I’d like to experience with myself and/or ask my partner to be apart of?
Now that you have ideas on what you like and want, you’re ready for the next step - asking for what you want!
